Refocus

Humans where I live seem to follow the general course of nature in that a lot of babies are born in spring. I have had 5 girlfriends give birth (or about to), in the last four weeks. Crazy!

My children's social calendars have also been getting busy with soccer, dance recitals and birthday parties.

Every spring my husband and I also go through a ritual of obsessing over buying an acreage. We have been looking off and on for the last two years but as of yet, it just hasn't meant to be. But once again I find myself spending a lot of time scrolling through listings and taking drives out into the countryside.

With the acreage obsession in full-swing, the kid's activities, our regular commitments, and birthday parties and baby shower's galore, I have started finding myself double or triple-booked (and going poor).

It's a catch-22 for me since I don't enjoy having nothing to do and am prone to loneliness and restlessness, but I equally dislike having to choose who I have to say no to and feeling like I am missing out on something.

I have found myself living up inside my head, continually planning the next thing, or going down my mental check-list that I barely register my surroundings.

I recently read through Ephesians and 5:15-17 jumped out at me:

"Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is."

How easily I fall into the general business of life and cast aside the notion of asking God to set my priorities. I should be praying for guidance on how best to spend my time. And then accept and listen to the answer!

Peace comes when we seek God's will.

Proverbs 19:21 says, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." 


I spent so much time praying last fall about what God wants me to put my focus on. The answer was my home and my family. As great and full as our life is, I don' think God meant I should be focusing all my energy on racing around to various commitments and activities while dragging my two kids in tow.

My life always falls out of balance when I do this.

I need God. I need stillness. I need quiet time. I need quality time with my family. I need to slow my brain down.

I needed to be reminded of that this week.

Retreat Blog Series 4: When things don't make sense

I took a little break from the Women's Retreat Blog Series over Easter, but I'm not finished yet. I seriously went home from that retreat with so much to think about. This topic is another big one...

One of Sandy Cooper's sessions was on seeking God during hard times. She shared the story of her own loss of her son. And as she was talking about her experience and the struggle with her faith in God during that time, I kept thinking back to a conversation with a friend about the senseless murder of a young girl that had been in the news recently. My friend had made the comment that she just couldn't understand why God would let something like that happen. 

I was struggling with it too. Where I struggled, was in the brutality of it. I found myself asking God that if the little girl had to die, why couldn't it have been a quick, clean death? Why did she have to suffer at the hands of her abductors first? Why does God allow us to get so lost that it takes such terrible grief to create change? 

There is no answer for me. 

I kept thinking about this verse:

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV), "'For I know the plans I have you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart'."

Having to suffer unthinkable things at the hands of another seems like such a contradiction to that verse. Even if good does come out of it, how can suffering - possibly to the point of death - be called a hope and a future? 

To use a quote from Sandy's seminar, "It is an incorrect view of Scripture to say that we will always comprehend what God is doing and how our suffering and disappointment fit into His plan. Sooner or later, most of us will come to a point where it appears that God has lost control - or interest - in the affairs of people. It is only an illusion, but one with dangerous implications for spiritual and mental health. Interestingly enough, pain and suffering do not cause the greatest damage. Confusion is the factor that shreds one's faith." (Dr. James Dobson, When God Doesn't Make Sense). 

What we need to have when we don't understand suffering, is an eternal perspective. My suffering here on earth doesn't just affect me here and now, it has consequences outside of this place and time. My hope and my future doesn't end here. In fact, it just begins. My hope and my future is in my eternity.

Sandy went on to talk about what faith really is when you are going through something really terrible. Faith isn't when you believe God and then get what you prayed for. Faith is trusting and believing God even when you don't get what you've prayed for. In other words, it's trusting and believing God even when you don't understand why something has happened or is happening. It's trusting God that there is a purpose to the suffering. That there will be healing from the suffering. It's trusting God that even suffering is for my (eternal) best interest. 

Trusting that God is still in control even if we can't see it. 

I believe that there is no way we can possibly know all that will happen as a result of that little girl's death. I'm sure that voicing any of the possibilities would sound hollow to her grieving family members. What I do feel deep down though, is that there is a heaven and that little girl is there. She is there waiting for her parents. And God will throw such a party when they are reunited. This life is so temporary. That little girl's suffering, while horrendous, was temporary. She's now in an eternity of love and peace. One day God will wipe away all of our tears and take away all the pain we have suffered on this earth (Rev 21:3-4). If I find myself picturing my daughter in that little girl's shoes ever again and wondering how God could allow something like that to happen, it will be these thoughts that I will cling to.  

I was reminded at the retreat that it's okay to question God. It's even okay to get angry with Him. God doesn't get offended at our questions or our anger. But I also know that there are things going on in this world and in the next, that I can't even begin to comprehend.

Blog Retreat Series 1: He rewards those who earnestly seek Him
Blog Retreat Series 2: Are you wickedly busy?
Blog Retreat Series 3: Am I REALLY seeking God?

Retreat Blog Series 3: Am I REALLY seeking God?

Another take-home message that blared out at me like a trumpet from the retreat was the hypocrisy of saying you are seeking God, and then turning around and doing as you please, including treating the people around you poorly.

Isaiah 58:1-14 tells the story of a group of religious Israelites who complain to God that He doesn't hear them. That God doesn't answer them. And yet when they claim to be seeking God through fasting, they are actually off doing their own thing. They think they are humbling themselves before God, but then they turn around and exploit their workers, fight one another and neglect the needs of the people around them.

In Isaiah 58:1, the Bible says, "shout it aloud, do not hold back. Raise your voice like a trumpet. Declare to my people their rebellion..."

What was their rebellion?

Well, how often do you say you are seeking God, and then treat those around you badly? I'm sad to say that I quite often do this with my husband. I take out all my frustrations on him. I use him like a punching bag. Do you gossip about your friends? Or emasculate your husband? Or humiliate your children? Or ignore your parents?

How many of us are doing anything for the homeless?


Or, how often do you say you are seeking God, and then go off and try and solve all your problems yourself without even consulting God? Guilty! 


Hosea 10:13 says, "But you have planted wickedness, you have reaped evil, you have eaten the fruit of deception. Because you have depended on your own strength and on your many warriors,".


Ouch!

Before the retreat, treating my husband with more respect and listening for God's direction were things I knew I needed to work on, but I had never thought of myself as being hypocritical or rebellious. I certainly didn't think I was planting wickedness and reaping evil!

The bible tells us that if we stop doing as we please; if we stop the fighting, finger-pointing, malicious talk and neglect of those in need, "Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.". (Isaiah 58:8-9).


That's pretty powerful. It helps to answer why I often feel distanced from God. God is not going to listen to me and answer me if I'm saying I'm seeking Him, while at the same time doing as I please.

Our retreat speaker Sandy Cooper, observed that a lack of joy and feeling too weak to handle everything is a sign that you are depending on your own strength instead of God's. A tense, stressed-out home is often a sign we are off doing our own thing instead of listening and obeying God's voice.

Sandy reminded us that as women, we often set the tone in our home. So the next time my house feels like a place of bickering, tension, stress, fighting and exhaustion; the next time I feel distanced from God, I need to take a close look at my actions. Are they saying I am a woman seeking God? Or are they saying "me! me! me!"?

Blog Retreat Series 1: He rewards those who earnestly seek Him

Blog Retreat Series 2: Are you wickedly busy?

Retreat Blog Series 2: Are you wickedly busy?

A message from Sandy Cooper at the women's retreat that resounded with me, and has continued to resound in my head is the truth that busyness to God is often the equivalent of pride-fullness and wickedness.

How many times have you had the best intentions to read your Bible, but you got too busy?

How many times have you planned to spend some time in prayer, but you got too busy?

How many times did you plan to send an encouraging note to a friend, but you got too busy?

As women, we have busy lives. We are really good at filling up our time. Have you thought of it as wickedness?

Psalm 10:4 says, "In his pride the wicked man does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God."


We were just calling it being too busy. God calls it prideful and wicked. Wicked!


Sandy Cooper reminded us that balancing the demands of life is not measured by the amount of things we get crossed off our to-do list, but by hearing and following God's voice.

I tend to start my day by consulting a to-do list. Here is what it looks like today:

- go to Costco and get dishwasher detergent and coffee mugs for dad
- go to Wal-Mart and buy plastic Easter eggs and candy for Easter egg hunt
- pick up birthday card for babysitter
- return phone call to friend
- send pictures of kids and a letter to Grandma
- consult calendar for days when we can host small group
- submit receipts to husband's health care plan
- book dentist appointments for everyone
- make photo board for niece's birthday

And this doesn't even include the day to day things that always have to get done: play with the kids, clean the house, make healthy meals, exercise, connect with husband, check email. The list goes on and on and on.

If I try to methodically make my way down this list, I am left with little to no time to spend with God. I often feel drained, overwhelmed and frustrated at the end of the day. That is when I am vulnerable to feeling like a total failure.

But.

But if I start my day out with prayer and scripture, if I ask God to set the priorities of my day, things tend to go a lot smoother. I'm serious! Especially if I spend some time alone over the course of the day (in the shower, in the bathroom, even driving in the car) in reflective prayer or scripture. I may not get everything done on my list. I may not get even half of them done. I might complete things not even on the list! But if I spend time in prayer and in scripture, at the end of the day I feel more organized, more efficient and far more peaceful no matter what got completed.

I'm not saying it's easy. To accomplish this I've had to cut way back on the amount of t.v. that I watch, and the amount of time I spend on the computer and iphone (as noted in my Technology Fast post). It's a commitment. A difficult one to make some days.

As soon as I start to feel overwhelmed and super-cranky with my life, as soon as I start to feel like I can't possibly get everything done, I know I've focused on myself too much, and not enough on God. So if you are feeling tired, disorganized, dissatisfied, and overwhelmed with what's on your plate, I encourage you to carve out some time daily to spend in prayer or in scripture. Ask God to help you organize your day. It's worth a try, right!

Blog Retreat Series 1: He rewards those who earnestly seek Him

Retreat Blog Series 1: He rewards those who earnestly seek Him

I had the wonderful privilege over the weekend of attending my church's first ever women's retreat.

I had a few reservations leading up. I was a little afraid it would be a weekend of cheesy "get-to-know-you" games and awkward, "come to the front and be prayed for" moments. But it so wasn't!

Our guest speaker was Sandy Cooper. You can visit her website at www.godspeakstoday.net. She is not actively blogging at present, but she has a wealth of information on her website on a great range of topics. If you go there, I assure you that you will find something relevant to your life.

It was one of those conferences where I found myself constantly saying, "yes! I totally get it!", or "this is so for me!". In fact, there were a few moments where I actually blushed or had tear-filled eyes because I felt so directly spoken to.

If you have spent much time on my blog, you know that I have been seeking God. But I have never felt very close to God. I have rarely felt His presence in a tangible way, despite desperately wanting to.

Going into this weekend, I tried not to have high expectations of something spiritually profound happening to me, but I did pray to hear from God in a real way.

He answered.

Over the course of the weekend, there were a couple of messages that were literally dumped repeatedly over my head. At first like cold-water, and later like a salve. And to paraphrase our guest speaker Sandy, when God gives you something, it is always for someone else, too. So I thought I would write a little "retreat series" about what God has been teaching me.

To start, I want to look at Hebrews 11:6;

"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists AND that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." (Emphasis mine).

There are two parts to this verse. In the last year or so I've really come to understand that faith is a gift from God (see Ephesians 2:8). Not something I can hope to pick up at the store, or something I can hope to convince myself I have. But this weekend, it was the second part of that verse that jumped out at me. To please God, not only do we have to believe that He exists, we also have to believe that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.

I've come to realize that I've never really believed that. This goes a long way to explaining why I so rarely felt the presence of God. Although it was something I wanted, I didn't actually believe that He would reward me for seeking Him. I knew He rewarded others, but I had bought into the lie that I wasn't good enough. That I wasn't doing enough or that I was doing something wrong. That is all a lie! As soon as I released this to God, I felt Him draw near. I felt in the presence of the Holy Spirit. I recognized God's voice. Can you hear the trumpets?! Rewards from God, feeling God's presence - that's for me too!

Which means, it's also for you!

If you think this applies to you, I encourage you to take some quiet time today and ask God to open your heart and remove the lie that being in His presence is something that happens to other people, but not to you.

But here's the kicker: if you don't immediately feel in His presence or hear His voice: YOU AREN'T DOING ANYTHING WRONG. Just ask again. And again. Eventually, I promise, he will answer you. But in His own time. Do not buy into the lie that you are doing something wrong or that you don't believe enough. That's what Satan wants you to think. God wants you to know Him. He will reward you for seeking Him. It's just that sometimes, He has reasons for making you continue to seek and the key is to KEEP SEEKING.

And let's pray that the next time I feel distant from God, I have the sense to read my own words and KEEP SEEKING, instead of allowing those same doubts to creep back in (pay attention, Lucy!).

Other relevant verses:

Isaiah 45:19: "I have not spoken in secret, from somewhere in a land of darkness; I have not said to Jacob's descendants, 'Seek me in vain.' I, the Lord, speak the truth; I declare what is right."


2 Chronicles 7: 14-15: "if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place. 


Psalm 24: 5-6: "They will receive blessing from the Lord and vindication from God their Savior. Such is the generation of those who seek him, who seek your face, God of Jacob."


Psalm 34:10: "The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing."

Technology Fast

I attend an Alliance church and it observes three days of prayer and fasting every Spring and Fall. Until I started attending this church, I had never heard of a church participating in such a thing.

The Bible offers plenty of examples of fasting and prayer (see Isaiah 58:6-10, , Daniel 9:3, Matt 6:16).

Our church described it as a way of turning your eyes from things of this world, to better allow yourself to focus on God and what he has to say to you.

In the fall I chose to participate and wanted to beat my previous year's fast of 30 hours. I love food. I started this blog off totally devoted to food! I spend a lot of time thinking about and preparing food.

I made it 32 hours.

Fasting from food when you have to prepare meals for small children is pure torture. But it was a revealing 32 hours. At that time I was praying for direction regarding the whole back-to-work-thing. I started out by writing out the question to God on paper. I wrote five pages in response (the answer boiled down to a resounding: not right now).

This time our pastor gave a sermon called, "Are you going to(o) fast?". He was asking us if we were going to participate, or if perhaps we have gotten too busy in our lives. He had us write out on a paper plate everything we have on our plate. Everything we spend time on.

We are only 1 week back from a week long vacation and I had already been complaining that I didn't have enough time. When I looked at my plate, some of the biggest time-sucks on it were the t.v., the computer and my beloved iphone. I already knew I was spending too much time on these things, and had been trying rather unsuccessfully to cut back. We all know we have become a technology-addicted society, and I'm no exception. I felt a genuine prompting to fast from these things this go around, instead of food.

SO that's what I've been doing for the last week. I went Monday-Friday with no t.v., computer or phone.

It was harder than I thought. It's unbelievable what a habit these things become. My phone had become like an itch. It was the small things like wanting to look up an address, or phone number or weather report that were the hardest. I found myself eating more food without these other distractions! Definitely not your usual fast!

Anyhow, I discovered that I not only had more time to read, meditate and pray, I also felt less busy, more relaxed and even remembered things better (probably because I wasn't cramming Pinterest images into my head)!

I'm grateful to have these pleasures back. But I've decided to stay on a "restricted diet" with these things for awhile because I believe God is telling me to slow down. The more busy I get, the more wrapped up in my thoughts and in material things I get. Spending less time using these technologies, I have more time to take my thoughts captive and just BE.

Give it a try!

Insecure much?

In day 34 of The Purpose Driven Life, Warren makes the observation that insecure people always worry about how they appear to others.

In a previous post, I noted that comparing myself to others is a struggle of mine. It hurt to read that insecure people "fear exposure of their weaknesses and hide beneath layers of protective pride and pretensions. The more insecure you are, the more you will want people to serve you, and the more you will need their approval". Ouch.

Unfortunately he's right.

I am inherently an insecure person and this regularly leads me to compare myself to others. Why am I telling you this? Because in day 35, Warren goes on to describe how God uses our weaknesses for his glory.

Warren encourages us to admit our weaknesses (this is just one of my many) so that we can learn to be content with them, and then go on to use them in our ministry. My recent conclusion that I cannot find fulfillment on my own is proof that our weaknesses cause us to depend on God.

Warren points out that the things we are most embarrassed about, most ashamed of and most afraid to share with others, are the things that God can most powerfully use to reach others. This message is reiterated in the study "When Women Say Yes to God" by Lysa Terkeust. God wants us to turn our "mess" into a message.

I am learning more and more that seeking other people's approval, constantly trying to "measure up" to my friends, and being afraid that I am not good enough just as I am, are things that I need to give to God. It's hard though. I find myself having to do this two, sometimes three times a day. Next up is learning to trust God to transform this weakness in a way that I can use.

Useful verse (NLT):

2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness."

Intangible mission

Day 36 of The Purpose Driven Life, discusses reaching unbelievers as being the mission of a Christian.

Warren goes on to say that Jesus' second coming is tied to Christians completing this mission. i.e., making sure everyone God wants to hear the Good News has heard it. So if I want Jesus to come back sooner, I had better focus on fulfilling this mission.

I realized when I read that statement, that I don't want Jesus to come back yet. And that got me thinking that as a Christian, shouldn't I want that more than anything?

I know that I am too much of the world as opposed to in it. I like my life. It has it's struggles, but on the whole I enjoy it. I don't want to leave it yet. And it's because the idea of something greater, heaven, just is not a tangible thing to me. Maybe I haven't had the blessing of experiencing God on a significant level yet. Maybe I just don't know Jesus well enough.

This is yet another example that I have a lot of growing in my faith to do. A lot of learning.

It also leads me to a fear. Because I am so comfortable in my life and sometimes still love things, my kids, and my husband more than Jesus, Jesus will take those things away from me in order to make me grow. It is no secret that Jesus uses people and circumstances to reach us.

James 1:2-4 (NIV) says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers [and sisters], whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything".

Warren himself writes that there are just some issues in life that will never be changed by any amount of Bible study or prayer. I am afraid that the only way for me to grow in faith will be to suffer the unthinkable: losing loved ones.

Warren ends day 36 by asking what keeps me from telling others the Good News. Well, my doubts often do. How do I sell something that I am not always convinced of myself? I fear being challenged on my beliefs because they are so shaky at times.

I posted about my faith difficulties recently. I now believe that God purposefully made me a doubtful person and he intentionally gave me faith as a struggle.  Maybe part of the reason is so that I can share this struggle with you. And to keep me continually searching for truth and answers so that in the process, I can come to know and love God more than the things of this world.

L-O-V-E

Here we are; Valentine's Day.

So what's one more post about love?

In greek, there are four words for love. This seems much more appropriate than our one wimpy English word. Love is complex. Loving sandwiches is different than loving your spouse, for example.

Each of the Greek words has slightly different connotations and meanings.

Eros: passionate love (the boom-chika-bow-wow type)

Philio: friendship

Storge: familial love

Agape: sacrificial love

Although Valentine's Day is more about Eros, I want to talk about Agape love. This is the type of love Jesus expressed for us, and the type he wants us to express for each other (Ephesians 5:2, "Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us,").

So what is love? Our pastor gave a sermon on this a few weeks ago. He read out a commonly used wedding verse (I used it at my wedding), but for the first time I asked myself, based on that verse, how loving am I? I was disappointed with my answer.

1 Corinthians 13

1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn't love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God's secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn't love others, I would be nothing.
3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn't love others, I would have gained nothing. 
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud
5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.  
8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever!
9 Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture!
10 But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless.  
11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 
12 Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.
All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. 

13 Three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love.

Maybe if we were spreading a little more agape love around, divorce filings wouldn't jump by 40% around Valentine's Day. Just a thought :)

Is it receive and believe, or believe and receive?

Okay, so one of the fundamental things that I have struggled with since I was eight years old and first heard about God and Jesus, was the whole "receiving and believing" thing.  Everyone who knows anything about Christianity knows that at it's core is believing in the existence and resurrection of Jesus.

To become a Christian, all one has to do is pray to Jesus and say "I believe in you and I receive you".

I cannot tell you how many times I've prayed those words over the years and yet there are times when I still wonder if I've done it right. When I was little, I was told that praying those words only means something if you really accepted Jesus in your heart. But what does that mean, exactly? The issue that I have is this: wanting to believe that something is true isn't the same as believing it.

I have no problem believing there is a God. But how does one go from believing in a God, to believing that same God came to earth in the form of a person named Jesus, who was then murdered, but came back from the dead so that our souls could live forever? Why doesn't this belief or knowledge automatically translate for me like it seems to do for others?

If it hasn't become abundantly clear, one of my struggles as a Christian is faith. I have feared over the years that I was one of an unfortunate few whose heart God had hardened. Romans 9:21 discusses how a potter has the right to decide to use some lumps of clay to make a jar for decoration, and another to throw garbage into. What if I was one God had made to "throw garbage into"? Not a pleasant thought. But then Romans 9 goes on to say that even though God has the right to show his anger, He is patient and merciful. Thank goodness for that.

I have asked God why I should have so many doubts. Why couldn't I just believe and have faith?

Romans 10:17 (NLT) says "faith comes from hearing, that is, hearing the Good News about Christ". Ephesians 2:8 words it a little more specifically, "God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God". The "it" referred to in this passage, is faith.

It seems pretty clear then that faith is a gift from God. I can't manifest it myself. This makes me feel a little better but it has also meant that I've come to accept that faith is a struggle God has given me, and that I am just going to have to work through it. I take a lot of comfort from Hebrews 12:1-2 (NLT): "...let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith." The perfecter of our faith. This implies that it okay to struggle with faith! This verse has made me realize that I truly am a work in progress - God is still working on me. I'm not a lost cause! He just isn't finished with me yet.

Most recently when I questioned God about my faith, the following words popped very clearly into my head: just keep asking.

Once again it would appear that God is trying hard to teach me the lesson of depending on Him instead of myself.

Make me look good

I melted down on my children this morning while trying to get out the door. This is a fairly common occurrence in our house. There are only three mornings a week when we have to be out the door by a certain time, and those three mornings are my least favorite times. I almost always resort to yelling at my kids who inevitably take eons to eat breakfast, think it's funny to hide on me instead of get dressed, and who have to fight me every time I say they have to wear a toque and mittens (it's January in Alberta, so this means they fight me EVERY morning).

Before the holidays, I read about dashed expectations in Donna Partow's Becoming a Vessel God can Use. She hit really close to home when she observed that all too often, her own joy evaporated because of selfish expectations.

Selfish expectations? What's that now?

I'm starting to realize that's exactly why I freak out at my kids (and my husband, but we'll save that for a later date). In the getting-out-the-door example,  it's because if we are late I take it as a reflection of my parenting abilities. It makes me look bad and I don't want to look bad. I want to look organized, put-together and efficient. Really it boils down to my own selfish expectations. I expect my kids to cooperate in the mornings so we can get to where we need to be on time in a presentable fashion, which makes me look good. In Partow's words, I am expecting my kids to minister to me. It only follows that with these kind of expectations, I am setting myself up for disaster every morning.

It is becoming increasingly obvious to me just how often my motives are selfish ones. Sure, getting to preschool on time is good for my daughter too. But I'm not yelling at her in the morning because I'm afraid she might part of her class time. I'm yelling because I don't want to look like a parent who can't get out the door on time.

Mark 10:43-45 (NLT) says, "among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must be the slave of everyone else. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others...". *Sigh*. Nothing about being a slave sounds particularly appealing.

Suddenly having the attitude that I am here to serve my husband and my children doesn't happen over night. This is definitely a work that I am not going to accomplish on my own.  But I truly do desire to be a more selfless person. Especially if it means I can drop my daughter off at school without all the lousy drama.

Small group rookies

My husband and I recently joined a newly formed couples small group. This is a pretty big deal because my husband is fairly new on the Christian scene and finds group Christian settings a little uncomfortable. I can't blame him. For someone not used to such things, being in a group talking about God, taking prayer requests, and praying out loud together can be a little overwhelming even for more seasoned Christians. So I'm going into this knowing that my husband is participating mostly for me.

This is my husband and I's second small group. Even though I've been in a number of different women's small groups, I often still feel like a small group rookie. We even feel a little bit fraudulent because while some of the other couples have been on amazing mission's trips and more often than not have some sort of  musical talent (have you ever noticed that about Christians?), and are part of the choir or worship team, my husband isn't very "churchy" and in the past, I've gone in and out of regular church attendance. The other couples always seem much more knowledgable and comfortable with it all. But that's our perception and not necessary the way things really are. Nevertheless, it feels a little bit hard and intimidating walking into a new group.

So why join a small group? Well, I love learning. One of my favorite things to do is discuss something I've learned about. I get such a high from suddenly seeing something in a new light. I get inspiration from being part of a joint effort. It's an instant support system. When my mother died, on the scene were our small group members. When there is a difficult decision to make or a hardship to get through, I get comfort from knowing there are others praying for me. It provides accountability. I am much more likely to read scripture and think about things if I know I am meeting with people to discuss it.  It's a great way to get connected in the church and meet other couples who are in roughly the same stage of life as us. And if we never step out of our comfort zone then we won't grow in our faith and we certainly won't get past feeling like fraudulent newbies.

The Bible is pretty clear that Christians should get connected and fellowship together. Hebrews 10:24-25 (NLT) says, "Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another...".

Matthew 18:20 says, "For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them."

I think the challenge for us will be to be ourselves and not censor our past (it's not like we have out-of-control pasts but we have spent more time living a non-Christian lifestyle than living a Christian one). We have already met several times and the other members do not strike me as judgemental or exclusive so I'm sure things will work out. It will just take a little time to grow comfortable.

Too bad it's not as easy as inviting your neighbour over for a glass of wine or a beer.

Testimony

It was my grandmother who first introduced me to Jesus. I was eight years old. She led me through a simple prayer to invite Jesus into my heart. At the time, I had no idea what this meant.

Although my mom would attend church sporadically in later years, my parents were not church-goers. My childhood could be a bit unstable. My father struggled with alcohol and gaps in employment. My mom battled chronic illness and depression her whole life.

It wasn't that my parents didn't love me. They did and I knew that. It was that they weren't always available. At times, I felt very alone.

My grandma starting taking my sister, brother and I to church with her. My grandparents attended a very charismatic Pentecostal church. The congregation was small and older. It was the kind of church where a lot of people shouted out during the sermons. Very legalistic, very fire and brimstone; a lot of passionate loudly preached sermons. In short, it scared the crap out of me.

I was told that if I didn't believe in Jesus with my whole heart, I would go to hell. I became so fearful that I didn't believe enough. I continue to struggle with this today.

As soon as my parents determined I was old enough to say so, I stopped attending church.

I had a very idealized version of what a family should be in my head and it wasn't what I had at home. So I started looking elsewhere. I found a nice picture of it through a friend of mine. She was mormon and had 8 brothers and sisters. They ate their meals together, they practiced things like family games night and family meetings. I was smitten and started spending more and more time with them.

It wasn't long before they started inviting me to their young women's group and church on Sunday's. Since I was attending for social reasons, this did little for the fearful, confused idea of God I had in my head. Nevertheless, I am convinced that my friendship with this girl and her family kept me out of trouble. Highschool was an incredibly lonely time. I could have gone in any direction.

One day I was completing an exercise for the young women's class that involved looking up passages in the book of Mormon. As much as I loved the friends I had, as I was doing the exercise I realized that I had no connection to what I was reading. More than that, I didn't believe what I was reading. So I stopped attending.

Shortly after that I went to University and became a student of science. Whatever poorly conceived notions of God and Jesus I had in my head became even more muddled. Out of the fear I picked up attending my grandma's church, I had continued to pray to God every night before I went to sleep. But that was the extent of my relationship. And that was where I was at when I met the man who would later become my husband.

The two of us moved to northern Alberta for the job opportunities and I started working shift work in a chemical lab. I became instant friends with a very lively, outgoing co-worker. Night-shifts could be long, and we started having conversations about God and church. She ended up inviting me to her Baptist church. I went, and enjoyed it! Instead of being yelled at for over an hour, we primarily sang  songs! It was there that I met her mom, who happened to run a women's small group. My own mom and sister were very sick at this point, and I found myself really struggling so when I was invited to attend the small group I went.

I found myself interested and excited about what I was learning. And sharing my troubles with other women who had their own battles, was immensely therapeutic.  But I didn't know what it meant for my boyfriend who was not a Christian, so I broke things off.

That was a really difficult time. He couldn't understand why we couldn't be together when we loved each other and shared the same goals. Truthfully, I didn't really understand either. But I had picked up the notion that if I wanted to be a true Christian, I couldn't marry a non-Christian.

A couple of months later, his parents invited me over to celebrate a birthday and as we were sitting outside I felt myself struggling with the feelings I had not only for my ex-boyfriend, but also for his family. In my head, I suddenly heard the words, "Lucy - here is the family I have for you". I'm not kidding. As the girl who had longed to feel some family ties, I didn't need to think twice about getting back together with my boyfriend. As for the Christian-non-Christian thing, I figured that would work out some way or another. We got married shortly after.

We then found ourselves transferred to Southern Alberta for work and not long after we moved down, we got pregnant with our daughter. We didn't know a lot of people, and we certainly didn't know anyone else having babies. I was terrified. The same friend who invited me to church with her, had moved to the same city the year before and once again invited me to her church. My husband and I both liked this church!

When I was six months pregnant, we were sitting in the congregation and a couple roughly our age sat down next to us. The woman looked to be about as pregnant as I was. This led to a conversation. Turned out they led a couple's small group. My husband and I started going.

I can't tell you how much this saved me. I was ridiculously insecure about becoming a parent and felt totally alone in it. And now here was this girl who was going through the same thing. Not only that, but she knew what it was like to have a critically ill mother. In fact, on the day of her mother's funeral, my mother passed away.

This event could have devastated me. It devastated my dad and my sister. Three years later, and they are still not coping well. Instead, I felt myself surrounded my an incredible amount of sympathy and support. The peace that exceeds understanding talked about in Philippians 4:7? I experienced that peace after my mother died.

Not long after that we became pregnant with our son and my husband lost his job. For perhaps only the second time in my life, I trusted God to work out the details. We needed to sell our house and fast! In a flooded housing market our house sold in 36 hours. One day later my son was born. Two weeks after that we found ourselves relocated back to northern Alberta (just not quite as far north as last time). A couple of years later and we have settled into a new life, a new church and recently new small groups.

My husband and I still have a lot of growing to do in our relationship with God. "Not worrying", is not a concept associated with me. I still struggle with deep insecurities.  Trusting God is something I have to work on every day. But if my story has taught me anything, it's that God doesn't leave us alone. You can interpret this story any number of ways, but they way I see it is that God could have let me walk away. Instead he used people to draw me back. Again and again. God knows that I am vulnerable to loneliness and feelings of despair. Circumstances that could easily leave me feeling alone and defeated, instead were buffeted by the right people at the right time.

You will have ins and outs with your relationship with God. But God never leaves you.

Philippians 4:6-7

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

What do you think?

One of the things driving my effort to find greater meaning and purpose in my life, aside from always feeling vaguely dissatisfied, is recurring jealousy and insecurity.

I've realized how consumed I can be with worrying about what my friends think or agonizing over why I wasn't invited out for coffee or for a run or whatever the case may be.

This sounds so ridiculous but if I don't get an answer to a phone call or an email I sometimes invent entire stories in my head about that friend being too busy with other people to get back to me. Sounds like I'm describing a pretty pitiful person, doesn't it? Exactly.

I thought that if I went back to work, I would have my own "thing" and I would meet other professionals, so that what my little group of friends were or were not doing wouldn't matter so much. In other words, I thought I probably had too much time on my hands and that was why I was over-analyzing every little thing in my relationships.

But then I thought back to when I did go back to work after my daughter was born. I remember sitting in my office reading my stay-at-home-mom friend's Facebook statuses about playdates and strollercise and coffe-time and feeling really sorry for myself. Gosh. I have spent a lot of my life feeling sorry for myself! And it's because of all the time I spend comparing myself to others.

 I want my life to be driven by something more meaningful than worrying about what other people think. I want to spend my time doing something more meaningful than comparing myself to my friends. And I want to be a person who feels genuine happiness and love when their friends experience success instead of niggles of jealousy and envy.

Ecclesiastes 4:4 states, "I observed that most people are motivated to success because they envy their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless".

I don't want to be this particular cliche anymore. I don't want the successes I do experience to be temporary and ultimately meaningless. The obvious solution is to change my attitude and my focus. 

Isaiah 26:3 says, "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!".

Perfect peace sounds lovely, doesn't it? I just have to fix my thoughts on God? No problem! Easier said than done I'm afraid. But that is what I am planning on spending time on this year: practical ways I can turn my thoughts to God. Not just in those easy moments when things are going great or I'm sitting quietly by myself. But in those hard moments when I am tired, frustrated, hurt or angry.

New Year's "to-be" list

Several years ago, a previous small group leader gave our group this New Year's idea, to take the place of the usual New Year's "to-do" lists that people often make.

Lately, I seem to be constantly reminded of the truth that I can't "be" much without God. So rather than focusing on what I want to accomplish in the next year, this strategy involves asking God for fresh insight on what I am becoming.

Galatians 5:22-25, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."It is the "fruits of the spirit" that I am using to write a 2012 "to-be" list.

I suggest making your own. I chose the fruits that I struggle most with. The more specific you can be, the more meaningful it will be. This is what mine looks like today:

Be loving...when your kids won't leave you alone
Be joyful...at the end of the day when you are tired
Be patient...when you are running late
Be kind...when no one will notice

I don't make New Year's resolutions. Instead, I find it much more practical to re-start each day with a set of goals. So this year, I plan to start over every day asking God for help in being the things on my list. I know I won't be able to do it on my own! I've tried!

Prayer:

God, I ask that you would reveal to me the things I need on my "to be" list today. Help me to grow in being rather than simply doing. I ask that you give me big picture direction for this year, and that you would fill me with the fruit of the spirit in increasing quantities. Please fulfill me with your purposes as I concentrate on who you want me to be. Amen. 

Risky Business

Our spirits are immortal. Yet God puts us in earthly bodies with a sinful nature and allows Satan to surround us with temptation. One theory is that God does this to develop our character.

Doesn't this seem like a risky choice? God knows that not all of us will come back to heaven. Some of us will succumb to Satan. Yet he puts our souls at risk anyway. Almost seems contradictory to a loving Dad, doesn't it?

My other immediate question is, isn't there a better way? Yet this is what God had chosen to do. So although brief, our time here on Earth must be pretty important. God risks our salvation putting us here, so his reasons must carry some weight.

Maybe it isn't that different from sending our children to school. We know they will face temptation, culture, peer pressure, and at times even danger. They could get beat up by a bully, or hit by a car on the way there, or succumb to any number of other potential risks. And we know that there will be times when they have to make difficult decisions and they will make mistakes. Yet we do it anyway. Why? Because we know that despite the risks, it is for their own good. They are getting an education. They are learning how to become more like us, i.e. adults. It is not inconceivable then that God is doing the same thing sending us here to earth. To get an education and learn how to become more like him.

Okay, so if we are not here on earth for ourselves or for comfort, but are here to become more Christ-like, I would have to say based on observation that many of us do not have this as our number one priority. (Perhaps this can explain why I often find myself feeling frustrated and unfulfilled by my circumstances).

I would have to say that complacency is my biggest obstacle to staying focused on becoming more Christ-like. Which seems crazy when put in the context that God is putting my salvation at risk putting me here in order to build my character. And yet, when I am not at church or small group, I just don't always care enough about trying to be like Jesus. In the heat of dealing with uncooperative children I have to admit that it is often the last thing I am concerned with. Like a child who doesn't make getting their homework a priority despite knowing that being there to learn is the whole point of going to school.

So as we make our way into a New Year, I think I will be seeking practical ways in which I can keep focused on "what would Jesus do" mentality, moment by moment. Not just when I am peacefully reading the Bible or enjoying a tea at small group. I do not understand his methodology, but hopefully I will make some progress this year in coming to better understand who he is.

Christmas decompression

All the ingredients were there for this to be a really fantastic Christmas: good food, good company, mild weather, contagiously excited children, a pile of presents, a little drama in the form of a phone call from my sister's ex-boyfriend's inebriated mother...

And yet Christmas missed the mark for me a little bit this year.

Having caught a cold on the 23rd didn't help, and my husband having to work put a damper on things. My husband is a shift worker. He likes to point out that he has more time off in a year than most people because of it, but I like to point out that he misses a lot of events because there is no flexibility in shift work.

Then there was the production yesterday of going door-to-door in my neighborhood looking for my husband's brand new remote control helicopter that he lost control of and crashed.

This Christmas felt like a lot of work. A little bit like an overproduction. In truth, I feel like I am living in a Toys R' Us bomb crater with two excessively overtired cranky kids. I actually have to run out and buy some organizational units to be able to put away all the things my kids got (I'm making this sound like a bad thing. I'm actually one of those people who get warm fuzzies from the prospect of buying organizational units...).

A family in town lost their house Christmas Eve when their tree caught fire. I have a pantry and a fridge filled with more food than I can fit, and a basement overflowing with toys. I can't help but feel like I am living in excess. I've already started rounding up some toys for donation.

And I think that's where my post-Christmas melancholy really stems from. I feel like this was a Christmas of consumption. I can really feel God hammering away at me to give back. It's just not entirely clear to me what form that should take, but I can already tell this will be a big topic for me in the New Year.

I also think that ordering in Chinese food and having a Christmas movie marathon while feigning the flu so that we don't have to go anywhere or have anyone over, sounds like the way to go.

Donna Partow's Vessel Takeaways (Christmas version)

The women's small group I attend through my church recently wrapped up Donna Partow's "Becoming a Vessel God Can Use" study. I would recommend this study to any woman. Partow has a blunt, truthful way of wording things and offers practical ways of becoming more God-centered. Plus, the lessons are short making completing it each week quite manageable.

As anyone who has completed any kind of study knows, as soon as you are finished and you put the book on your shelf, everything you just learned dribbles out your ears. At our Christmas potluck a couple of weeks ago, a woman spoke about how she wrote out a list of things from the study that she wanted to focus on over the Christmas season when most of us are vulnerable to missing the point by becoming too busy and distracted. With my family arriving tomorrow, I thought this was a great idea.

Here is my top-ten list of (Christmas) takeaways...

1. Instead of focusing on all the great things I am going to accomplish or have accomplished this season (like cute xmas letters, and awesome gift finds), focus on the great things God wants to accomplish through me. Seek opportunities to give back and serve others. In other words, focus my thoughts on the fact that the season is about the glory of God, not the glory of me.

2. I am responsible for the choices I make this Christmas. God is responsible for the results.

3. As I spend time with family and friends over the holidays, ask God to help me remove the labels I've given them. God hasn't labelled them and he doesn't hold things they have done (real or imagined) against them, so I shouldn't either.

4. Instead of longing for a new Coach purse, long to know God better. Ask God for the gift of faith and peace over the holidays, instead of hoping for more stuff.

5. Instead of quarrelling with God about how he made me every time I compare myself to someone else (whose baking is better, or whose house is more perfectly decorated, or who got a new Coach purse...), ask God to help me love and accept myself exactly as he specifically made me.

6. Don't allow myself to become so absorbed and wrapped up in the busyness of the season that I miss the joy my children and husband bring to it. Ask God to adjust my attitude from expecting them to do things for me. Towards my husband and children, ask God to help me be thoughtful but not moody. Helpful but not bossy. Thankful but not critical.

7. Don't allow myself to become so absorbed and wrapped up in the busyness of the season that I don't spend some quiet time honoring God and thinking about the baby Jesus who was born. The Christmas season shouldn't be about filling my life with more commitments, more activities, and more stuff, but about celebrating and reflecting on the birth of Jesus.

8. Ask God to help me let go of the expectations, hopes and dreams I hold for how I want this Christmas to be, in order to make more room for him.

9. Seek to be filled with a joyful, forgiving attitude over the holidays. Instead of expecting the people around me to provide these things, or a Christmas show or carol, look to God to provide them.

10. Listen for God's voice and act as he directs.

Merry Christmas.

A train wreck with Candy-cane cookies

One of the biggest things weighing on my heart is my relationship with my husband. I know I am the source of a lot of unnecessary conflict and frustration. And I just know that things could be better.

In my quest to be less selfish, I am also trying to minister more often to my husband. I hate the way that sounds by the way, but it sounds better than "serving" my husband. The point is, I want him to see me as a place of comfort and support, and less as a place of agitation and annoyance.

I failed miserably in my quest today.

We decided to decorate our Christmas tree. Everything started out well enough. I made the fluffiest pancakes I've ever made (I think the secret was Our Compliments buttermilk pancake mix and the small soup ladle I used to pour the batter onto the skillet), but once we started decorating, things went downhill.

My husband likes to fiddle around with the settings on our camera. So while I tried organizing the decorations and putting them out for the kids to hang, he was fiddling. As soon as I opened the box of decorations, the kids dove in like maniacs. During the commotion I told my husband to forget the camera and just help with decorating. Instead he started snapping pictures of me.

My husband takes the worst pictures of me. Instead of getting the camera out when I'm all dolled up for a date-night, he gets it out when I'm in my pyjamas, my hair is frizzy from my shower, and I'm covered in pancake batter. What's worse, I look like a downright hag because I'm frowning and in the middle of telling him to stop taking my picture. "Stop being grumpy, like you always are!" he yelled accusingly.

Being told I'm "always" grumpy is a hot button for me (maybe because it's a little too close to the truth at times?), so I launched into the "what about you!?" sequence of our typical argument. Yay! What's more fun than a good game of "no I'm not, you are!"? Joy to the world...

Anyway, after wrapping that up we continued decorating the tree in stony silence. I know, the holiday cheer is overwhelming.

Feeling guilty about the lack of Christmas goodness, after the tree was done I decided to make some candy cane cake-mix cookies. The kids and I had been to the Santa Claus parade the week before and had accumulated quite the stash of mini candy canes. No one in our house cares for candy canes. I thought chopping them up and putting them into a cookie with chocolate might make them more appealing.

What are cake-mix cookies you say? Only the EASIEST cookie recipe out there! Remember when you bought like four boxes of cake mix at Safeway because they were buy one, get one free? Well now you have a way to use them!

Candy Cane Cake-mix Cookies

You will need...
- 1 box of cake mix (white or chocolate)
- 2 eggs
- 1/2 C oil
- 1 C (or more) of chocolate chips
- 1/4 to 1/2 C chopped candy cane pieces

Mix together cake mix, eggs and oil with a wooden spoon for one minute. The dough will be stiff. Stir in 1 C of chocolate chips and 1/4 to 1/2 C chopped candy cane pieces. Bake 8-12 minutes at 375 until just set. Cool on sheet for 1 minute then on cookie rack.

If you like chocolate and mint, you are going to love these.

My daughter doesn't like chocolate and mint, so she took one bite and made a big production of spitting the candy cane bits out. Feeling a little downcast, I turned to my husband for his reaction. He doesn't like chocolate and mint either, so his reaction was,  "Ummm...". Now I'm feeling really annoyed, so I resorted to "you never like my baking!" (yes, I am guilty of making my own "always" statements). It's also a clear over-reaction stemming from my frustration over the lack of cheer I was managing to create.

And that's just it. The whole day was about me. I had a picture in my head of how I wanted the day to play out, and when it didn't go according to my plan, I got frustrated with the players. I also took it personally. I was trying to "create" Christmas cheer so I took their rejection of my fabulous cookies as a reflection of my ability to do something fun and Christmassy with my family.

Can you imagine how much more fun we could have had if I had just hammed it up for the camera instead and took their rejection of the cookies as a blessing because now I would get to eat more of them? I can. And it makes me wish I could kick myself in the butt.

Herding cats

I was thinking the other day about how before I had kids, I would stand firm about not to doing anything "Christmassy" until December 1.

Now Christmas seems to sneak up on me towards the end of November despite my best efforts to hold it off. Does this happen to anyone else? At the start of November, Christmas still seems so far away. But suddenly at the end of the month it feels like I will never get everything done. Like as soon as I turn the calendar over to December it's pretty well all over. I can't believe we're into December. Happy New Year everyone!

I've spent the last week making to-do lists, writing a family Xmas letter, getting photos developed to make into mini-albums for grandparents, making calendars for parents, buying the ingredients for a bake-off, buying containers and tags to put the baking in, planning our annual ugly holiday sweater party, making a Xmas gift list, writing a letter to Santa, decorating the house, shopping, cutting up school photos to put in cards, and of course writing out Xmas cards. Oh the cards. I feel like we send out a ridiculous number of cards. The result of moving towns every three years and having a large family. And EVERY year I make the same mistake: I buy 36 cards thinking I can pare down our list to under 50. Then I end up having to develop more photos and buy more cards when I run out. I really AM a slow learner!

All this business and December is just beginning! At first I enjoy these activities, but then they start to overwhelm and frustrate me. I start to feel like I'm racing around trying to herd cats.

The holiday season is a pretty good representation of my life in general. I create a lot of busy work for myself. My husband complains that I can never just sit. Upon reflection (prompted by the book Becoming a Vessel God can Use by Donna Partow), I really do seem to run through life aimlessly but at a frenetic pace. The result is that I am pretty much at where I was 3 years ago, even 6 years ago! I might get promotions, or accumulate more stuff but I have the same complaints about not knowing what I should be doing. How I should be passing the time. Donna Paltow has given me a clue and it has reflections of Rick Warren's A Purpose Driven Life, so I've picked that one up to retread over the holidays. The resounding message is that discovering your God-given purpose for your life will drastically simplify your life and give it more meaning. As the Christmas season ramps up, this appeals to me more than ever. I just hope that in my excitement and anxiousness to discover what my purpose might be, I don't get discouraged and frustrated If things aren't immediately clear. And let's face it, they rarely are.