What do you think?

One of the things driving my effort to find greater meaning and purpose in my life, aside from always feeling vaguely dissatisfied, is recurring jealousy and insecurity.

I've realized how consumed I can be with worrying about what my friends think or agonizing over why I wasn't invited out for coffee or for a run or whatever the case may be.

This sounds so ridiculous but if I don't get an answer to a phone call or an email I sometimes invent entire stories in my head about that friend being too busy with other people to get back to me. Sounds like I'm describing a pretty pitiful person, doesn't it? Exactly.

I thought that if I went back to work, I would have my own "thing" and I would meet other professionals, so that what my little group of friends were or were not doing wouldn't matter so much. In other words, I thought I probably had too much time on my hands and that was why I was over-analyzing every little thing in my relationships.

But then I thought back to when I did go back to work after my daughter was born. I remember sitting in my office reading my stay-at-home-mom friend's Facebook statuses about playdates and strollercise and coffe-time and feeling really sorry for myself. Gosh. I have spent a lot of my life feeling sorry for myself! And it's because of all the time I spend comparing myself to others.

 I want my life to be driven by something more meaningful than worrying about what other people think. I want to spend my time doing something more meaningful than comparing myself to my friends. And I want to be a person who feels genuine happiness and love when their friends experience success instead of niggles of jealousy and envy.

Ecclesiastes 4:4 states, "I observed that most people are motivated to success because they envy their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless".

I don't want to be this particular cliche anymore. I don't want the successes I do experience to be temporary and ultimately meaningless. The obvious solution is to change my attitude and my focus. 

Isaiah 26:3 says, "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!".

Perfect peace sounds lovely, doesn't it? I just have to fix my thoughts on God? No problem! Easier said than done I'm afraid. But that is what I am planning on spending time on this year: practical ways I can turn my thoughts to God. Not just in those easy moments when things are going great or I'm sitting quietly by myself. But in those hard moments when I am tired, frustrated, hurt or angry.