Insecure much?

In day 34 of The Purpose Driven Life, Warren makes the observation that insecure people always worry about how they appear to others.

In a previous post, I noted that comparing myself to others is a struggle of mine. It hurt to read that insecure people "fear exposure of their weaknesses and hide beneath layers of protective pride and pretensions. The more insecure you are, the more you will want people to serve you, and the more you will need their approval". Ouch.

Unfortunately he's right.

I am inherently an insecure person and this regularly leads me to compare myself to others. Why am I telling you this? Because in day 35, Warren goes on to describe how God uses our weaknesses for his glory.

Warren encourages us to admit our weaknesses (this is just one of my many) so that we can learn to be content with them, and then go on to use them in our ministry. My recent conclusion that I cannot find fulfillment on my own is proof that our weaknesses cause us to depend on God.

Warren points out that the things we are most embarrassed about, most ashamed of and most afraid to share with others, are the things that God can most powerfully use to reach others. This message is reiterated in the study "When Women Say Yes to God" by Lysa Terkeust. God wants us to turn our "mess" into a message.

I am learning more and more that seeking other people's approval, constantly trying to "measure up" to my friends, and being afraid that I am not good enough just as I am, are things that I need to give to God. It's hard though. I find myself having to do this two, sometimes three times a day. Next up is learning to trust God to transform this weakness in a way that I can use.

Useful verse (NLT):

2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness."

Make me look good

I melted down on my children this morning while trying to get out the door. This is a fairly common occurrence in our house. There are only three mornings a week when we have to be out the door by a certain time, and those three mornings are my least favorite times. I almost always resort to yelling at my kids who inevitably take eons to eat breakfast, think it's funny to hide on me instead of get dressed, and who have to fight me every time I say they have to wear a toque and mittens (it's January in Alberta, so this means they fight me EVERY morning).

Before the holidays, I read about dashed expectations in Donna Partow's Becoming a Vessel God can Use. She hit really close to home when she observed that all too often, her own joy evaporated because of selfish expectations.

Selfish expectations? What's that now?

I'm starting to realize that's exactly why I freak out at my kids (and my husband, but we'll save that for a later date). In the getting-out-the-door example,  it's because if we are late I take it as a reflection of my parenting abilities. It makes me look bad and I don't want to look bad. I want to look organized, put-together and efficient. Really it boils down to my own selfish expectations. I expect my kids to cooperate in the mornings so we can get to where we need to be on time in a presentable fashion, which makes me look good. In Partow's words, I am expecting my kids to minister to me. It only follows that with these kind of expectations, I am setting myself up for disaster every morning.

It is becoming increasingly obvious to me just how often my motives are selfish ones. Sure, getting to preschool on time is good for my daughter too. But I'm not yelling at her in the morning because I'm afraid she might part of her class time. I'm yelling because I don't want to look like a parent who can't get out the door on time.

Mark 10:43-45 (NLT) says, "among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must be the slave of everyone else. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others...". *Sigh*. Nothing about being a slave sounds particularly appealing.

Suddenly having the attitude that I am here to serve my husband and my children doesn't happen over night. This is definitely a work that I am not going to accomplish on my own.  But I truly do desire to be a more selfless person. Especially if it means I can drop my daughter off at school without all the lousy drama.