Is it receive and believe, or believe and receive?

Okay, so one of the fundamental things that I have struggled with since I was eight years old and first heard about God and Jesus, was the whole "receiving and believing" thing.  Everyone who knows anything about Christianity knows that at it's core is believing in the existence and resurrection of Jesus.

To become a Christian, all one has to do is pray to Jesus and say "I believe in you and I receive you".

I cannot tell you how many times I've prayed those words over the years and yet there are times when I still wonder if I've done it right. When I was little, I was told that praying those words only means something if you really accepted Jesus in your heart. But what does that mean, exactly? The issue that I have is this: wanting to believe that something is true isn't the same as believing it.

I have no problem believing there is a God. But how does one go from believing in a God, to believing that same God came to earth in the form of a person named Jesus, who was then murdered, but came back from the dead so that our souls could live forever? Why doesn't this belief or knowledge automatically translate for me like it seems to do for others?

If it hasn't become abundantly clear, one of my struggles as a Christian is faith. I have feared over the years that I was one of an unfortunate few whose heart God had hardened. Romans 9:21 discusses how a potter has the right to decide to use some lumps of clay to make a jar for decoration, and another to throw garbage into. What if I was one God had made to "throw garbage into"? Not a pleasant thought. But then Romans 9 goes on to say that even though God has the right to show his anger, He is patient and merciful. Thank goodness for that.

I have asked God why I should have so many doubts. Why couldn't I just believe and have faith?

Romans 10:17 (NLT) says "faith comes from hearing, that is, hearing the Good News about Christ". Ephesians 2:8 words it a little more specifically, "God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God". The "it" referred to in this passage, is faith.

It seems pretty clear then that faith is a gift from God. I can't manifest it myself. This makes me feel a little better but it has also meant that I've come to accept that faith is a struggle God has given me, and that I am just going to have to work through it. I take a lot of comfort from Hebrews 12:1-2 (NLT): "...let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith." The perfecter of our faith. This implies that it okay to struggle with faith! This verse has made me realize that I truly am a work in progress - God is still working on me. I'm not a lost cause! He just isn't finished with me yet.

Most recently when I questioned God about my faith, the following words popped very clearly into my head: just keep asking.

Once again it would appear that God is trying hard to teach me the lesson of depending on Him instead of myself.

A year with very little change

Hellllooooo? Is anybody still out there? If you can believe it, it has been over a year since my last post. A YEAR.

And the last thing I posted about? Black bean corn cakes.

When I first began blogging, I was feeling restless at home with my two kids. Nothing new there.  I love cooking and writing and thought maybe blogging about what what I cooked for my kids would provide an outlet for all that restless energy. Nothing new there either. It worked for awhile.

Then I started taking some business courses, again with the hope that I could rid myself of the dissatisfied feeling I was struggling with. It worked for awhile.

Then we got a call from our preferred daycare that we had not one, but two spots! I thought, "a-ha, now I can go back to work and everything will fall into place". My background is in environmental liability and project review. I thought to myself, "I'm educated, I have some great experience on my resume -  I'll be snatched up in no time". I sent out dozens of resumes. And waited. I immediately became discouraged at the lack of phone calls. I eventually did get called in for a few interviews but I either didn't get excited about the position or they didn't get excited about me. I couldn't understand why things weren't working out. Was it because of the extra year off I took? Was it because I don't have much of a local network (other than other mommies)? I started to question my hire-ability.

The first job interview I went to was a short commute away and for the same company my husband works for. It would have been perfect. I thought the interview went quite well and I felt excited and good afterward. The only downside was that my son was going through a rough adjustment period at the daycare and I was experiencing massive guilt associated with leaving them both there. Way more than I had expected. After all, I had been through the whole daycare experience before with my daughter.

While I waited to hear back, I asked God that if it was his will that I go back to work, then I would receive a job offer. If it wasn't, then I would not get the job and I would know to pull the kids out of daycare. Pretty straightforward.

I didn't get the job.

Here we are 5 months later and I just recently informed the daycare that we are not going to keep our spots. Why didn't I do this months ago when I first asked God for direction? Maybe I'm a slow learner. The truth is, when I prayed what I prayed I was feeling pretty confident that I would get the job and I think until recently I was in a bit of denial. The thought of being home indefinitely and going back to feeling aimless and restless also scared me.

I've been a Christian for a long time but amazingly (and tragically) I didn't really get what that meant until very recently. I'm tired of feeling restless, dissatisfied, and adrift but I think I'm discovering the key to peace.

If you haven't noticed, the focus of this blog is changing. There will still be recipes since besides cleaning, cooking is the 2nd most likely thing a person would find me doing in this household.  But, there's going to be a lot more focus on God. Because I'm putting a lot more of MY focus on God. And we'll see where it gets us. Hopefully you'll stick with me.